Ruminations of a Mad Man, Volume I1
It took me a long time to find what I like in a guy, and what I need in a man to be satisfied in a relationship. I’m surprised at how few people date these days…and by date, I mean you go out for dinner, or coffee, or tea and you talk…it’s called a date, it doesn’t mean that you have any form of commitment with each other: no expectations means no disappointment…none of this “I like you…let’s start a relationship right now” bullshit. Take your time, take it slow, get to know the person…and above all else, never fuck on the first date if you want whatever your relationship with that person to be anything more than just a fuck.
When you go out with multiple people, for multiple cups of coffee, you are in the process of Dating. When you pick one of them to Date more, and you see them more regularly and more often, you are Going out with them…and if it clicks, at some point, you’ll realize you’re in a relationship without even trying…I realized that when I found an extra toothbrush next to mine, I think it was about two years ago now…and while that relationship (whatever the hell it was) didn’t last, it was an awesome ride (and so was he) while it lasted, and I’m glad it happened.
A lot of people, it seems are on some crusade in life to find someone, settle down, and get married…and if that’s what you want, more power to you…but I just find that so many people, while they’re on this crusade, lose site of all the awesome things they can do around them, all the peoples’ lives they have the ability to affect change in if they’d stop for a few minutes and take the time to look around them, all of the opportunities they squander. I’ve been told that my standards are too high by more than one person and I’ve been told that I should just settle down by even more…and I just get frustrated when I hear things like that: why do that to someone else, how would that make someone feel to find out that you settled for them because you couldn’t or didn’t get what you want? If you want something, get it. If you can’t get it, move on…but never settle; you’re better than that.
Do I want to find someone? Absolutely. Is this my primary objective in life? Certainly not.
What I learned from all the dating though, is that white picket boys just don’t do it for me…I get bored with them (and this is nothing against them, they’re just…not for me). I’m not a soccer mom, I don’t do brunch, I’m not happy in Suburbia with a desk job and a 401k and my two weeks of vacation time a year. I’ve been on enough dates with guys who are happy to tell me just how their chinos are pressed, are just appalled that their casserole didn’t turn out right last week and can’t believe what’s being allowed on television these days…and (at least for all the guys that I dated that were like this): this was all they were capable of talking about. Normally, I’m hauled away after I try and gauge out my eyes with a spoon when they try and tell me about their chia pet.
Contrapositively though, I’ve swooned on smoke of mary jane rising off of absinthe laced breathe belonging to men wearing wife beaters, their necks smelling of Armani, with their shirts tucked in behind a thick black leather belt that outlines their jeans that fall gracefully and loosely on black leather boots on the back porches of bars…and after sex that left the bed a war zone, there was nothing in the world that could compare to laying, wrapped in arms that spent three days a week in the gym, not being allowed to move, to get up, to check email…but being held up, tightly, against their chest, talking about international foreign policy, lenin and the national question, Kafka, Kant, the International Long Shore Workers Union and their organizing tactics…or even, dare I say it…the real meaning behind Green Eggs and Ham…anything that crossed our minds was fair game to dissect, to talk about…to think about, to play with; to mull over; and this isn’t to say that white picket fence boys are shallow and don’t have deep thoughts…there’s just a personality difference that I don’t have the words yet to put into focus and I’ll try to expand my vocabulary to find them.
The oldest guy I’ve slept with was 41 (he was an artist), the youngest 18 (he was a G.I.)…I’ve tried to date as many people as possible, from as many different backgrounds as possible, to try and get a feel for what I like, what I don’t like, what I want, what I don’t want.
I remember watching Heroes with Christie and seeing Sylar and going “wow” with her going “…are you kidding me, he’s a psychopath, hell bent on world domination, chaos, and destruction…” to which I replied “he’s just my type!”
I need to not know what’s coming next…I require constant change, spontaneity: I like fucked up guys…I’m attracted to them, I can appreciate them, I can commiserate with them, I can identify with them…as they can me (I don’t know if you’ve noticed…but I’m not exactly…well, normal isn’t a term I’d use to describe myself…actually, I’m rather weird, all things considered)…so he wants world domination, next week I want to start an Alpaca Farm! We both have achievable goals, how fantastic!…I’ll help with the subjugation of the masses right after I take a wool spinning class and then we can fuck like bunnies and then, with all the wool we can make sure that our minions have sweaters…and there’s this misconception that the ‘bad boys’ aren’t into cuddling, or don’t do sweet things, or don’t have a sentimental side…and that’s not true…they do…they’re just rough around the edges (and even rougher in bed) and I like that.
And while I want to ‘settle down’ that, to me, means finding a partner to go on adventures with…and this is one of a hundred reasons why I’m so excited to move to Israel: not that I’m going there with the one goal of finding a husband, and I can’t even say that it’s a major goal, though I’d be happy if it happened…what I’m really happy about is that I’ve done all of my relationship fuck ups in Buffalo, I’ve figured out what doesn’t work in Buffalo, I’ve done my trial run here…I’ve found a thousand ways to make a relationship not work and a hundred ways to make it work flawlessly…and all the fuck ups get to stay here…I’m not reinventing myself for this move, I’m moving as I am, though with an open mind that’s willing to change…but who I am now, is in many respects, far different than the person I was when I landed in Buffalo…I’m leaving a lot of baggage here…and that makes me happy too.
Now time to finish these god forsaken labs so I can get to sleep.
1When I was in the Art Department, all of my notebooks were labeled Ruminations of a Mad Man, Volume I in the hopes that, if, God forbid I were to all of a sudden bite the dust, no one would ever be able to put my notebooks in order. None of the pages were dated either.