My Birth Certificate Has Expired…I am now…John Doe..or Adventures in Government

So, I arrived in NYC bright and early this morning…I am not a morning person; if I could exist totally during the hours of darkness I would…I’d prefer to date a Vampire, actually…it would make things so much easier…but Government likes to get up early to show the American People that they’re eager beavers so I was up on a plane a 5:55am heading for NYC.

Upon arriving home, Mom and I make our way to the County Clerks office in Mineola. I go in as Mom Circles around, because there’s no parking. I wait on line, and finally get to see a clerk. The clerk takes my Birth Certificate and looks at it…puzzled, walks to a computer, walks back to me and goes “Your Birth Certificate is too old…it’s from NINETEEN EIGHTY FOUR!!” to which I respond “I’m well aware of the year of my birth, what do you mean it’s too old?” to which he responds “IT’S FROM NINETEEN EIGHTY FOUR” to which I respond “THEY ONLY EXPIRE WHEN YOU DIE WHAT. DO. YOU. MEAN. IT’S. TOO. OLD!?!” and he goes “IT’S FROM NINETEEN EIGHTY FOUR” and at this point I realized that I was going to get no where, so I said “then what do I need to do” and he goes “You need to get a new birth certificate” and I was like “Well FUCK does that mean I have to go back to school too!?! Do I at least get to keep the same set of parents, or is this some kind of random selection thing!?!…if 1984 is too old…what year are they going to give me!? I LIKE BEING FROM 1984!” to which he directed me to go from Mineola to Manhasset (which is where I was born) to go get a New Birth Certificate.

So Mom and I get into the car and drive to Manhasset, and I go into THAT clerks office, and fill out all the forms to get a birth certificate and a transcript printed/copied on the spot on a special, longer sheet of paper, which contains the new registrar of vital statistics signature (because apparently it’s too much work to keep the OLD registrars signatures on file, which is why my birth certificate is too old and why they can’t certify it)…only to find out that my birth certificate (The county’s copy) was DESTROYED because someone stamped all over the document, in pink ink, “payment received.” My fellow rogues will get why I started laughing…and then almost cried…HOWEVER, I made friends with a lovely grandmother named Alice who went to get the Microfiche of my un-destroyed birth certificate, and about an hour later I had what I needed…to drive back to Mineola to get them both certified (I was taking no chances).

So I get back to Mineola, run into the clerks office…have them certified in record time…one minute and then I had to wait half an hour for the clerk to go get change she owed me when I paid her for the certification (it cost $10.00…I paid with a $20.00)…and apparently I CAN get the Apostille in NYC (hahaha, this isn’t actually confirmed yet…this is just what they told me); so I’m doing that bright and early tomorrow morning and hoping that jetBlue doesn’t dick me over when flying back to Buffalo.

This does however mean that I can now avoid Albany.

After the Apostille I just need the letter from my Rabbi; I even have the check all written out for the Aliyah Organization: $50.00 to open my file, $50.00 for my plane ticket…

…at least if I was dealing with Bureaucracy in Israel I’d have Israelis to look at; and really…I’m very easily distracted by shiny objects, so I think I’d probably be okay…but there was no eye candy today, my friends…oh there was no eye candy…

…more updates as I have them.