Today, was fucked up.

Some background: I am a good student, a B-, is a bad grade for me; The professor who’s mid term I took today is the same one who called me a Jerk the first day of class (which I was willing to let slide and just write off as him attempting to tell a joke and fouling it up).

So I took the mid term today, and realized that I was clearly bombing it. For me to do bad is a serious sign that somethings wrong in the learning process. In the majority of my classes I do well so if my end grade in most classes is projected at an A and I’m making a serious and earnest attempt to learn the material in a course, and I’m not learning it, something is not functioning the way it should, somewhere (and I’ve gotten word that I’m not the only student in this boat) somethings awry. I also take it very personally when I do poorly on an exam, I feel humiliated and the fact that anyone (including the professor who has to grade it) gets to see it, is just mortifying.

I finish the exam as best as I could and turn it in and go to walk around campus to burn off steam. I did my best; I can’t give any more than that. I get into my next class, and one of my fellow classmates from the former class who just sat through that exam with me turns around and goes “yeah, after you left he started telling people how you didn’t answer the last question.”

Okay, I was willing to let the poor social skills slide. I was willing to let his lack of teaching ability slide and was preparing myself to take this course over again because he has left me and anyone who has never had grammar instruction before (the first time I learned grammar was in the study of my third language, well, fifth technically if you count the instruction I got in Spanish and Sanskrit: Arabic) in the dark. What I cannot let slide is a willful breach of my privacy in an attempt to humiliate me in front of my peers. There is nothing that justifies him discussing my exam answers or results, what questions I did or did not answer, what I did well on or what I did poorly on, with anyone outside of myself, the faculty and my advisor on a need to know basis. It’s a violation of my student rights, it’s a violation of the faculty code, and (I’m pretty sure) it’s a violation of state law.

The first thing I did, was to go to the Department of Linguistics and find Jeruen (a Grad student who shares his office with Paauw) and ask him the hypothetical question of “what if a professor did this” and see this look go over his face and him go “wow, that’s…really not allowed” and then I found Hyder in his office down the hall and asked him the same thing (because I wanted to make sure that I wasn’t blowing something out of proportion) and he was like “I think that goes to the grievance committee in the graduate student association…” and I was like “I’m not a grad student” so he was like “well they can point you in the right direction” so I start to head for the union and I just couldn’t hold it together anymore, the lack of sleep, combined with the let down of knowing I did poorly on an exam, combined with him sharing that information with my peers was enough to just frustrate me to the point of tears. So I ducked into the wellness center (a service provided by UB with meditation, yoga, massage, and herbal tea suites) found an unused office, shut the door and just let it come out (I hate being seen crying in front of anyone, so I was glad I was able to just do it in private and get it out) and then I sat there, until I could regroup and get my thoughts together; it took me about five minutes, with another three using breathing techniques to sort of get my shaking under control.

So that having been done I knew that I couldn’t go to the professor and address him directly; I want to go through proper channels because I am filing a formal grievance and I still haven’t ruled out suing him. I’m incredibly pissed. I don’t want to be considered some kind of drama queen, but this was a violation of my rights and not one that was made as an honest mistake, this was done deliberately to humiliate me and it isn’t acceptable. I however, have the greatest respect for both Dr. Jaeger and Dr. Michelson and, with the exception of one professor, I love my department, so I don’t want to go in with both guns blazing. So I called Alice (maleficentseyes) and got Dr. Jaeger’s cell phone number, so I called Dr. Jaeger and explained the situation to her, and for now she and Dr. Michelson are going to meet to see if they can handle it with him. In the mean time, I’ve been advised to resign the course and take it with Prof. Hoeing next semester (which I’ve done) and that means that in July, instead of being at home, I’ll be at UB finishing the second half of nutrition in the summer. I’ll know more tomorrow or maybe not…but now I just have this rock in my chest, as Spring Break starts.

So that was my fucked up day.

In good news, however, I got an A- on the homework I was working on with Sonority Proofs for Dr. Michelson’s class.

And now, I’m going to bed, I’m not turning on an alarm clock, and I’m getting up whenever it may be that I’m getting up.