The Birthday Wish List

Subject: The Birthday Wish List

Date: Tuesday 8/29/06 3:01:00 AM

For the past few years I’ve been sending my Mom my birthday wish list of things that are pretty much impossible to get, adding on a new number for the age I’m turning…this years Wish List:

1. World Domination, I PROMISE I’ll be a benevloent despot…it’ll be great…Foam Party Fridays!

2. The midget marching band just for one day to follow me around…this is the Third year I’m asking for the Midget Marching Band, btw.

3. The Presidency (let’s be honest, if we’ve learned anything over what will soon be the last 8 years now, it really IS for sale)

4. My own pet cow (I’m sure Uncle Bruce could part with Spotty Jr. for a fair price) *Cow must be living…not from Uncle Bruce’s Freezer.

5. A trail named after me on Okemo Mountain (Matt’s Trax I think could work)

6. I still think having my face laser engraved on the moon would be neat, despite Judi’s contention that Jews aren’t allowed in space.

7. A walk on role in Family Guy or Southpark (animated me, obviously) or my own series on Comedy Central (with a two year contract).

8. For Fox News to be taken off the air (I can’t stand their condescending asshatery)

9. A P.O. Box in Guam with Free Mail Forwarding…that way I can say “oh, send it to my Guam address…”

10. A Baby Wombat (Think…home security).

11. A Pony (not…to have a pony JUST to have a pony, just in real terms…I think owning and maintaining a pony is cheaper than owning and maintaining a car…I just don’t know exactly how I’d register said pony with UB Parking to get my hang tag…make, model…license plate?) and AAA might have some issues when I need a tow.

12. A warning label on every Solaris Video tape to be rented or sold saying “warning, contains gratuitous scenes of George Clooney’s Ass…rent at own risk”

13. Ring Side Seats at the Tari vs. Baboon Kick Boxing Match (which should be shown live on Pay Per View)

14. Hurling Day

15. A Manatee named after me (after all, they ARE the cows of the sea)

16. Iwan.

17. Self Washing Laundry

18. For that matter, Self Washing Kitchen

19. A Front Porch…I don’t need the house to go with it…just a Front Porch. I like my apartment…I just figure we can put it in the courtyard infront of my apartment and we can sit on rocking chairs and drink beer as we watch the sun go down…on our Front Porch…actually, that really bitchy neighbor across the street has a nice one…you, a saw…ninja outfit…it’ll take you five minutes to borrow it.

20. A Human Sized, Giant, Rubber Chicken (Body Pillow Size?)

21. A Tour of Smitty’s Pretzel Factory…and private lessons in Pretzel Making from his wife…who has no hands…yet still hand makes her own, world famous, pretzels.

22. 20 Midget Pirates to follow me around for a day going “Arr!” and “Avast!”…eye patch required on some not all, pirate dress required…professionalism encouraged.

I think if I had to choose one, I’d go for #20…I think a human sized rubber chicken…would be totally rocking.